Fundamental of Relationship No. 3
Everything living around us evolve with time and so do relationships. They are best and innocent at nurturing times and with the passing time they either fade in sunlight or mature with investment. Like business every relationship has a bell curve. In professional relationship generally towards the end of curve they end as they are based on materialistic gains, whereas in personal either they start growing up again. But, up and down is part of the life cycle.
What is significant here is to keep that life alive in down times too. How we can do it? Most effective way of doing it is AUTONOMY. Often reason of breakage is imposing things on others. Your thoughts are yours and you can not expect the other person to think in the same way. You accepted them as they are then why you want to take away the freedom.
Autonomy works best in any relationship, be it parents, lovers, marriage, professional or friends. When we accept them as they are, we forgive them with all expectations they shattered, then why still looking for something from them. Give them the freedom to be what they are, and you will sense either they will come back to the bond, they will fly away or they will continue to be what they are. If they go, any of your effort is not worth it as they are bend on going. If they return you're always at advantage and if they stay put there is no loss.
As kid my parents gave me a list of rules, which spoke about what not to do, it never told me what to do. As I grew up, I asked my mom why this list only has what not to do.... Her reply was if I would have told you everything, when would you have explored, but if I would have not told you what not to do, you would have been at a great risk.
It is the case in every relationship, when you start mentioning what TO DO, you are conditioning their and your emotions. Whereas when you manage your emotions, with what I should not do, you let other person breathe in it and there is no suffocation. As a peer if you constantly keep telling your colleague what to do, he will eventually either become dependent on you with his poor performance or he will move away from you as he will feel suffocated with you as he/she is not able to make their own decision.
One of the most complicated relationship in Indian culture is Mother-in-law and Daughter-in-law. If they both give each other freedom there will less complication. When a daughter accepts her mother with all her positives and negatives and still long to be with her, why can't she accept her mother-in-law and it is vice-e-versa with mother-in-law. The acceptance of mother daughter comes as they give each other freedom, mother will impose culture & rules, but will give the freedom to follow it in daughters own stride, similarly daughter will adhere to all rules laid by mother in anyway but with a motive to give the feeling of happiness to her mother. Why we cannot expect daughter-in-law to be also that source of happiness. But daughter-in-law resist that as she is not given due freedom to express her and mother-in-law is not given the freedom to accept daughter-in-law action.
Autonomy in a relationship can of multiple nature; freedom of speech, freedom of behaviour, freedom of expression, freedom of representation, freedom of silence and many such. You have to choose which kind of freedom/s works the best for your relationship. Set the pet free and you will see they come back to home, not because they can't survive that is only half truth, larger one is they feel the sense of belongingness.
Create your belongingness and cherish each stage of your relationship be it through, acceptance, forgiveness or autonomy. At each stage communication is complimentary.
Wish my readers happy and healthy relations in each strata in life.
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